The Great Flake Shortage

(Photo: Bell X1)

Petrol station owners the country over are now rueing their decision not to stock up on the miniature flakes that accompany soft serve ice cream cones. With Ireland using up it's quota of good weather for the summer during the Leaving Certificate exams in early June, it was presumed that the only people eating 99s this summer would be sons who get treated to one by their father, following a 14 hour stint in the bog. The recent spell of spectacular weather has changed the game completely - and could send the country spiralling into another crisis.

Ireland is notorious for its wet summers, barely functioning economy, and general downtroddenness in recent years but has seen a change in fortune with regard to its weather this summer. Unfortunately, the people responsible for the "whippy" ice cream machines did not get this memo in advance and believed their summer to be over before it began as is normal on this windswept and saturated little island.

For this reason, there is nowhere near enough baby flakes in the country to meet an overwhelming demand on what has so often been a niche market. People are completely losing their minds and driving aimlessly from one petrol station to the next, with their windows down due to lack of air conditioning, searching for somewhere that still stocks this elusive four inches of crumbly chocolate.

Speaking from behind the counter in Clancy's Moylough, disgruntled employee Joseph Mannion said:

It's a real pain in my arse to be honest. I have customers coming up to me every minute of the day looking for a 99 and I have to tell them we don't have any flakes left. I offer them rainbow sprinkles and chocolate or strawberry syrup instead. The look on their face at this alternative is similar to what I would see if I had offered to masturbate on their ice cream instead.

Joe, a veteran of four summers in this small village petrol station has never seen anything of this magnitude in his short career.

The Cornetto-style flakes are gone from the freezer, Lucozade sport has been flying off the shelves, and we are absolutely cleaned out of anything that might serve as a substitute for a flake - large flakes, twirls, we've even resorted to sticking a half finger off a Kit Kat into the ice cream. It's a complete shit-show.

It is unclear when this shortage will end as no one is quite sure when normal service will resume with regard to the weather. There has been some rumblings of a black market for mini flakes, which will see some very shrewd investors being able to retire early after buying up at the right time.

Disclaimers: We cannot confirm Joe Mannion said any of this but he probably did.